Also, a lesson I keep learning.
I’m surviving off of about 3 hours of sleep today. My just-turned-two-year-old has recently transitioned to a toddler bed. Disaster. He gets up repeatedly during the night and stumbles around in his sleep sack like a little drunk person. This means that I also get up repeatedly during the night to put him back in bed, stubbing my toe on every surface as I go.
I also had to leave for work at 5:45 this morning to prepare for a 7 AM event. Now, as I take a break and pour more coffee down my throat to keep my eyes open (for real, see that coffee cup above? that’s my exact current moment.) I can’t help but wonder what the heck I’m doing with my life.
This is not my dream job, though I am extremely grateful for it. It popped up out of nowhere at the perfect time and gave me the solid salary that we needed in order to purchase a home (which is in process – woot!). With that said though, it’s been like a telenovela. I never know what to expect – and oh, Lord, there have been some big, old, terrible surprises.
You wouldn’t believe what has happened if I told you. Which I won’t. Cause that wouldn’t be very cool of me. BUT, just believe me when I say it’s been a dinosaur extinction type of catastrophe, and I’m longing for something a little less dramatic. Seriously, if someone, somewhere isn’t recording this, they’re missing out on a daytime Emmy.
And now, things at work are transitioning again, and I’m trying to decide if I fit into the new direction they’re going. It’s a luxury I suppose, to get to decide this, but it still feels very stressful.
I keep praying that God would give me an easy answer to the question I find myself asking yet again (one I’m sure you’re familiar with):
What am I supposed to do with my life?
There have been moments where it was so super clear which step I should take next. For instance, moving to Portugal was a ZERO hesitation move. I knew deep in my bones that it was the right thing to do. There have been many more moments, however, where everything is just a thick fog, and I can’t see even an inch in front of me.
As I’ve been sitting here today praying (and, let’s be honest, racking my brain for solutions – I’m a fixer – I know it’s a mess!), I’ve been reminded of something.
What I’m supposed to do with my life is love. I mean come on, it’s the two greatest commandments. I’ve got this same idea tattooed on my wrists! How could I forget?!?
I’m supposed to love God. I’m supposed to love others. And everything else that happens is secondary.
Sure, my job is important, and it does need some attention, but in the meantime, I just need to love – where I am. AND OH MY GOSH, does this feel hard right now. When you feel you’ve been treated unfairly or unkindly, or when you feel like people are mean or hard to be around, or when you’re just feeling lost inside your own head or tired from lack of sleep – it can be hard to love.
So this is me being accountable to you, dear reader, in order to do better — to love right where I am, the people around me right now, whatever is happening.
And it’s also an encouragement to you, dear reader, if you identify with any of this. Perhaps you also need to be reminded that the next step to take might just be a step to love.